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Title: Marriage%20Preparation%20the%20Foundation%20of%20Marriage!

Marriage Preparation the Foundation of Marriage!
When marrying, one should ask oneself this
question Do you believe that you will be able to
converse well with this man/woman into your old
Activity, Love at First Sight,
  • Which jobs from the list look like they are male
    or female jobs?
  • What Criteria did you use in your group to decide
    if the character was a male or a female?
  • Why do we assume some jobs are male or female?
  • Are any of the jobs listed definitely male or

Jacobsen Martial Roles Scale
  • Instructions Give yourself one point each time
    your answer matches the response listed by the
    corresponding number below. Example - on
    question number 1, if you responded A, give
    yourself one point. If you responded SD, do not
    give yourself a point. Total your score and
    circle your rating at the bottom.
  • 1. S.A, A. 7. S.D. 13. S.D.,D., U.
  • 2. S.A., A. 8. S.D. 14. S.D.,D., U.
  • 3. S.A., A. 9. S.D., D. 15. S.D.,D., U.
  • 4. S.A., A., U. 10. S.D., D.,U.
    16. S.A.,A.
  • 5. S.D., D 11. S.D., D. 17.
  • 6. S.D., D. 12. S.D., D. 18. S.D.,D., U.
  • 15-18 extremely egalitarian 11-14 egalitarian
    6-10 traditional 1- 5 extremely traditional

(No Transcript)
Building IN-LAW Relationships
  • Develop a relationship with your in-laws
  • Establish parent/child relationship with new
    parents. What will you call you in-laws? Will
    you knock on the door when you go to their home?
  • Do not interpret interest as interference.
  • If they give advice.
  • Remember, the decision is between you and your
    spouse, but mature enough to recognize when
    advice is good and follow it. If you decide not
    to follow it, decline with respect.

Building IN-LAW Relationships
  • Look for positive characteristics.
  • Everyone has good points. You will be much
    happier if you look for the positive instead of
    the negative, and expect to get along. Accept
    them for what they are.
  • Treat your in-laws with respect and courtesy.
    Avoid causing resentment by saying to doing
    things that can never be taken back. These
    people will be a permanent part of your life.
  • If conflict is unavoidable, keep visits short,
    thus allowing less time for problems to arise.
  • Give them (and you) time to adjust.

Building IN-LAW Relationships
  • Grow into a new relationship with your own
    parents. (This will greatly help your spouse
    with his/her in-law adjustment.)
  • Withdraw closeness (not love) from parents and
    siblings. Re-adjust your relationship they are
    not your primary family now. This can be hard
    for parents, but wise parents will help you do
  • Make your spouse your first priority (come home
    to him/her first, give news to first, etc.)

Building IN-LAW Relationships
  • Build your relationship with your mate.
  • Do not discuss your mates faults with friends
    and family. This builds resentment against your
    mate, and can even help to drive a wedge between
    you and your spouse. If you must complain to
    someone, talk it out with your wife/husband.
  • Continually build your marriage, making it the
    number one priority in your life.

  • C. The first week of marriage can be a real
    eye-opening experience. The daily idiosyncrasies
    your mate displays may humor you, or annoy you.
    Just remember, he/she is feeling the same about
  • Do you brush your teeth before breakfast?
  • Is daily religion a part of your life?
  • Do you eat meals at specific times as an entire
  • Do you iron your clothes, or just wash and
  • It is often helpful to spend time in the home of
    your in-laws and observe the way they live. (It
    gives immediate insight into some of those
    strange things your mate does.)

We always do it this way
  • Do not hold your own family up as a model to
    follow their habits, traditions, and rituals.
  • My mothers cookies are a lot softer than
    yours. Opening Christmas presents on
    Christmas Eve is what my family did.
  • Some of the most exciting rituals and patterns
    will be the new and creative ones you and your
    mate invent on your own.

  • Adjusting to

What Children Can Do
  • Older children can help take responsibility at
    home to ease the work load and to become more
    independent and responsible members of the

What Men Can Do
  • Successful role sharing includes sharing the
    workload more equally in both the work place and
    at home. More than anything else, the husband's
    attitude toward the wife's working becomes the
    deciding factor in whether the roles are
    successfully shared.
  • With so many women in the work force, men have
    accepted that they need to help more with
    housework, but they have been slower to accept
    the household-family role than women have been to
    accept the employment role.

Spouse Sharing Roles Successfully
  • Whether women work outside the home or not, they
    still do most of the housework, meal preparation,
    organize doctor appointments, etc.
  • And the moms attitude and feelings of content
    toward her job determines the
  • overall happiness of the family.

Strategies that have helped families balance the
juggling act of dual careers
  • Define the situation and accept that there will
    be stress involved.
  • Establish priorities between the needs of the
    family and the needs of the career.
  • Compartmentalize work and family roles. Have
    your mind on work while you are work and have
    your mind on your family when you are at home.
    Leave the work at work.
  • Compromise careers in order to maintain necessary
    family quality.
  • Reorganize the family schedule and delegate

  • Get Organized. Have a schedule and stick to it.
  • Strengthen the marriage. A strong happy marriage
    relationship is the major source of strength and
    success in making a dual career family work.
  • Buy time to relieve the workload at home. Time
    saving devices like microwaves or hired help like
    housecleaners and child care.
  • Establish friendships with couples like yourself.
    Form a support system with other dual working
    couples who have similar pressures, limitations,
    concerns, and needs.
  • Negotiate work arrangements that fit your family.

History of Traditional families
  • How did traditional get to be a tradition?
    Before the industrial revolution in the early
    part of this century, men and women worked side
    by side. It was not until work was moved to the
    factories that women's work place became the home
    and labor was rigidly divided by sex. The
    division became especially strong after World War
    II. But currently, the number of women in the
    work force has dramatically increased with more
    than half of all married women and mothers
    working outside the home. The biggest increase
    in women moving into the work force in the last
    few years has been women with preschoolers and

1. Economic Factors influencing women in the work
  • Most women use their income on necessary goods
    and services for their families.
  • Almost 20 of families are headed and supported
    by single-parent mothers.
  • For many families where the husband is the major
    wage earner, the wife's earnings often raise a
    family above the poverty level.

Economic Factors
  • The economic reasons throughout the life cycle
  • Young couple stage to save for buying a home
    and starting a family.
  • Young children stage to help make house and car
  • Older children stage to support children in
  • Children fully launched to save for retirement.

2. Changing Gender Roles of women in the work
  • Although men have traditionally found their
    identity through work outside the home while
    women found their identity through work inside
    the home, the pattern began to change in the
    1960s with the women's movement.
  • Many women now seek to be involved in the
    occupational world as an important avenue for
    personal fulfillment as it has always been for

3. Family Life Cycle Changes
  • In early America, the difficulties of childbirth
    and the large number of children born to most
    women meant that few women lived to see all of
    their children fully grown.
  • But today, women have longer lives, fewer
    children, and more time left over from raising
    children to work.
  • For those women who choose to remain home while
    their children are young, there remains an
    average of 25 years for employment outside the

Main problems encountered by two-income families
  • Many dual-career couples have not had family role
    models to help them know how to manage careers
    and families together, so their expectations may
    not be very realistic. There is less time to
    spend with children and often even less time
    with the spouse.

Main problems encountered by two-income families
  • However, it is not the question of whether or
    not they work that determines the amount of
    stress, but whether they enjoy the work and what
    kind of support they get from their husbands.

Other conflicts may include
  • Work hours may be opposite each other, not
    allowing the couple to see each other very often.
  • Shift work causes multiple problems with
    transportation and arranging for child care.
  • If one person has a higher paying or more
    prestigious job, there may be jealousy from the
    other partner.
  • One parent may feel ownership for specific roles.
    Dual-working couples may feel threatened in
    these areas.

Sexual Adjustment in Marriage
  • Marital Adjustments

Importance of Sex in Marriage
  • Sexual intimacy gives couples a level of
    closeness and loving intimacy they may not reach
    any other way.
  • For the most part, the quality of a marriage is
    reflected in the quality of the sexual
    relationship. Although there is a strong
    relationship between the sexual side of a
    marriage and the overall happiness of the
    marriage, sex is not the most important thing in
    marriage. However, sexual frustration makes
    sympathetic understanding difficult.

Variety of Needs
  • One partner usually has a stronger sex drive than
    the other
  • Desired frequency may be different for men than
    for women
  • Social conditioning affects the sex drive
  • Early in marriage, men may feel uncertainty,
    awkwardness, excessive sexual tension
  • One partner may feel that sex is appropriate
    anytime once they are married, while the other
    partner may have a list of inappropriate times

  • Unexpressed resentment in any part of a marriage
    often shows up in the sexual relationship. The
    best solution is to express feelings to each
    other as quickly as problems arise. Do not let
    problems build walls between you and your partner

  • Men and women are not the same in what they find
    pleasurable. Since no one can read minds, if one
    wants to be understood, it is his/her
    responsibility to communicate with his/her
    partner. Compromise and negotiation are usually
  • Sex is most rewarding when it is part of a
    caring, enduring relationship. Affection,
    respect, and trust are the most important parts
    of a good sexual relationship

Some reasons newly married couples may find it
difficult to enjoy sex after marriage
  • The female is a virgin and finds intercourse to
    be uncomfortable for a short period of time.
  • The couple has different ideas on what romance
    is and the effect it has on their intimate
  • The couple is uncomfortable talking about
    sexuality and assume that the other person is
    equipped with mind-reading abilities and knows
    what the other one likes or wants.

. The transition from abstinence to activity may
be eased by
  • 1. Seeing physicians and have complete
    physicals before marriage.
  • 2. Discussing intimacy with your parents,
    religious leaders, or a counselor.
  • 3. Know your religious beliefs concerning
  • 4. Talk openly to your spouse about feelings and

  • Your sexual relationship is just like other
    relationshipssometimes it will be good and
    sometimes it will be bad. The key to success is
    good communication and a desire to resolve
    problems. If you and your spouse are unable to
    resolve problems on your own, it may be
    appropriate to seek a good marriage counselor.
    Discussing private details of your marriage with
    parents, family, or friends can cause irreparable
    damage to your relationship with your spouse.

  • The key to a happy and healthy intimate
    relationship in marriage is open and honest
    communication that focuses on the good and
    assists the relationship to move forward into a
    more positive situation for both partners.

Marriage Roles
Equalitarian and Traditional
  • Being an equalitarian couple does not mean that
    the couple does everything together or at the
    same time. The equalitarian philosophy means
    that the division of labor is equal but is not
    necessarily traditional.
  • For many years, roles in marriage were defined as
    masculine or feminine. That division of labor
    is what we will call traditional. In todays
    society this means that the division of labor is
    most often NOT equal.

Couple O
  • Susan and Mike had been married for nearly 45
    years. They were proud to have been married that
    long. They never really talked about who did
    what that was just understood. Susan did all the
    cooking and cleaning, unless they were in the
    canyon, and then Mike took over. He made a
    delicious stew and Dutch oven cooking had become
    his specialty. The children loved their dad's
    Dutch oven potatoes. The children had been mostly
    Susan's responsibility. Mike had not done much
    with babies except beam when he announced, "Wow,
    we have got us another son. Think we will name
    this one after my brother, Jason." It was not
    until Jason Jr. turned about six that Mike's
    fathering really began. Now Jason Jr. could play
    all those games that Mike had always dreamed of
    playing with his son. They would play catch and
    wrestle on the lawn. Mike took care of the cars
    and all the bills. In fact, Susan had never put
    gas in the car or paid one bill in all those
    years. Mike always bought her flowers on Mother's
    Day and Susan always made fresh apple pie on
    Father's Day.

Couple 18
  • Ryan and Monica have been married seven years and
    have three children. Jamie is five, Kevin is
    three, and Amy is one and a half years-old.
    Monica is an accountant and Ryan is an
    advertising agent. At the end of a long day there
    is no therapy like kids to take your mind off
    your work. Ryan and Monica decided before they
    got married that they would both work. They
    always knew they wanted children but they were
    not quite prepared for the changes three little
    ones brought into their lives. Monica had to
    reserve all of her sick leave to use when Amy was
    born in case her short maternity leave was not
    enough. This meant that Ryan was usually the one
    to stay home when Jamie or Kevin got sick.
    However, he really did not mindhe enjoyed his
    kids and spent lots of time with them. Ryan spent
    most evenings giving baths to the children and
    straightening the house. Every other night was
    his night to fix dinner and he often included
    Jamie in the planning and preparation to give
    Monica more time with the two little ones. Monica
    often joked about how good he was at doing the
    laundry or changing the baby's diaper. "I sure
    married a wonderful wife," she teased.

Discussion of Case Studies
  • How do you think these two couples would rank on
    the Jacobson Marital Roles Scale?
  • Couple O Extremely Traditional
  • Couple 18 Extremely Equalitarian
  • Do you think these couples could have happy
  • Do you see any advantages or disadvantages in
    these two marriages?

Is the Division of Roles More Equal Today?
  • At the University of California, Berkley, a study
    found that the women in senior class had
    clear-cut expectations for the future.
  • 80 thought a career was very important
  • 97 expected to be marry
  • Most expected to interrupt their careers for a
    few years to have children
  • What they did not seem to have thought out or
    discussed with boyfriends was how they would
    divide the work at home.

What men think on this subject
  • 13 male seniors expected to be the one who would
    miss an important meeting at work for a sick
  • Only, 38 expected to share laundry work equally,
    while 38 expected to share cooking.
  • Twice as many women senior expected
  • the man they married to share responsibilities.

Another study done by Berkeley studied 50 couples
in their late 20s and early 30s. There finds
  • Husbands did 1/3 of the household chores, working
    wives did 2/3 of all the daily jobs.
  • Men have more control over when they make their
    contributions. (example, women make dinner, men
    change the oil dinner needs to be made
    every night, where as the oil only
  • needs to be changed every 6 months).

Discussion Questions
  • Do you think roles and responsibilities are
    divided equally in todays marriages?
  • Do you think a wife should be able to work if she
    wants to?
  • What might happen in a marriage between an
    extremely egalitarian female and an extremely
    traditional male?
  • What happens to family roles when a traditional
    wife begins to work full-time?

Discussion Questions
  • What might happen in a marriage where the
    opposite is true?
  • What marital roles do you see in the marriage of
    your family and friends?
  • Do you think they see their marriage in the same
    way you do or do they sometimes have a distorted

  • Angela and Justin had been married for two years.
    They both worked full-time and owned their home.
    They had settled into a regular routine each
    night. Justin loved to cook and Angela was
    grateful because she was never really very good
    at it. Each night Justin would fix dinner while
    Angela started a batch of wash and then went
    outside to work in the yard. The out-of-doors was
    her haven. Pulling weeds, watering, edging and
    mowing the lawn, and picking fruit from their
    trees were things she really enjoyed. After
    supper Justin cleaned up the kitchen while Angela
    vacuumed and
  • straightened the house. Then they both
  • folded laundry while watching a
  • favorite TV show.

  • -Is this marriage equalitarian or traditional?
  • -How do you think this couple decided who would
    do the different jobs?
  • -How do you feel about dividing roles in this
    manner rather than in the traditional
    masculine/feminine manner?
  • -Is there anything wrong with dividing roles this
  • -Do you think Justin and Angela had to compromise
    and do jobs they did not like?
  • -Do you know young couples today who have a very
    traditional marriage role division?
  • -Do you think egalitarian or traditional
    marriages are stronger?
  • -Which do you think will last the longer?

Roles in a Relationship
  • What does your future mate feel about roles?
  • Why is it important to know before marriage?

The Good Wifes Guide
History of Womens Roles
  • 1700-1800
  • Men Income, Farming,Craftsmen
  • Support and defend family, Strong Independent
    Self Reliant
  • Women Have and Care for children and husband
  • Running a Household under supervision of husband
  • ChildrenMale Farm and Provide, School and
  • Female Household chores. Minimal Education
  • 1837 Higher ed Available to girls limited basis

  • MenNew Careers, Westward Movement, Breadwinners,
    Assertive, aggressive domineering
  • Government
  • Women Homemaker, More physical and emotional
    strength, courage, adventure. Work together to
    develop west. First time to acknowledge equal
  • Some working women in factories, sewing etc.
  • ChildrenLearn roles from parents, help with

  • Men work outside the home in businesses and
    trades etc.
  • Women vote. Slowly move into work force,
    Nursing, Teaching, Secretarial
  • Children Learn Roles from parents

Great Depression1930s
  • More men did work at home, slowly because of
  • WomenSurvival on limited income
  • ChildrenLearn roles from Parents

  • WW II
  • More Men in Military
  • More Women in outside work, run the country, Many
    stayed in jobs after war
  • Children Some more independent as mothers away
    at work.

  • 1960-s Feminist Movement
  • 1963 Equal Pay act
  • More women work outside of the house,
  • Medicine and Politics, Allowed to join armed

  • 1980 ERA Not Passed
  • More professional women
  • Pre School, Child Care, Nanny, Job Sharing Etc
  • Some more men House husbands
  • Highest growth of working women is with young
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