Marriage%20Preparation%20the%20Foundation%20of%20Marriage!

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Marriage Preparation the Foundation of Marriage!
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When marrying, one should ask oneself this
question Do you believe that you will be able to
converse well with this man/woman into your old
age?
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Activity, Love at First Sight,

• Which jobs from the list look like they are male
  or female jobs?
• What Criteria did you use in your group to decide
  if the character was a male or a female?
• Why do we assume some jobs are male or female?
• Are any of the jobs listed definitely male or
  female?

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Jacobsen Martial Roles Scale

• Instructions Give yourself one point each time
  your answer matches the response listed by the
  corresponding number below. Example - on
  question number 1, if you responded A, give
  yourself one point. If you responded SD, do not
  give yourself a point. Total your score and
  circle your rating at the bottom.
• 1. S.A, A. 7. S.D. 13. S.D.,D., U.
• 2. S.A., A. 8. S.D. 14. S.D.,D., U.
• 3. S.A., A. 9. S.D., D. 15. S.D.,D., U.
• 4. S.A., A., U. 10. S.D., D.,U.
  16. S.A.,A.
• 5. S.D., D 11. S.D., D. 17.
  S.D.,D.
• 6. S.D., D. 12. S.D., D. 18. S.D.,D., U.
• METHOD OF RATING
• 15-18 extremely egalitarian 11-14 egalitarian
  6-10 traditional 1- 5 extremely traditional

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(No Transcript)
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Building IN-LAW Relationships

• Develop a relationship with your in-laws
• Establish parent/child relationship with new
  parents. What will you call you in-laws? Will
  you knock on the door when you go to their home?
• Do not interpret interest as interference.
• If they give advice.
• Remember, the decision is between you and your
  spouse, but mature enough to recognize when
  advice is good and follow it. If you decide not
  to follow it, decline with respect.

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Building IN-LAW Relationships

• Look for positive characteristics.
• Everyone has good points. You will be much
  happier if you look for the positive instead of
  the negative, and expect to get along. Accept
  them for what they are.
• Treat your in-laws with respect and courtesy.
  Avoid causing resentment by saying to doing
  things that can never be taken back. These
  people will be a permanent part of your life.
• If conflict is unavoidable, keep visits short,
  thus allowing less time for problems to arise.
• Give them (and you) time to adjust.

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Building IN-LAW Relationships

• Grow into a new relationship with your own
  parents. (This will greatly help your spouse
  with his/her in-law adjustment.)
• Withdraw closeness (not love) from parents and
  siblings. Re-adjust your relationship they are
  not your primary family now. This can be hard
  for parents, but wise parents will help you do
  this.
• Make your spouse your first priority (come home
  to him/her first, give news to first, etc.)

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Building IN-LAW Relationships

• Build your relationship with your mate.
• Do not discuss your mates faults with friends
  and family. This builds resentment against your
  mate, and can even help to drive a wedge between
  you and your spouse. If you must complain to
  someone, talk it out with your wife/husband.
• Continually build your marriage, making it the
  number one priority in your life.

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• C. The first week of marriage can be a real
  eye-opening experience. The daily idiosyncrasies
  your mate displays may humor you, or annoy you.
  Just remember, he/she is feeling the same about
  you.
• Do you brush your teeth before breakfast?
• Is daily religion a part of your life?
• Do you eat meals at specific times as an entire
  family?
• Do you iron your clothes, or just wash and
  wear?
• It is often helpful to spend time in the home of
  your in-laws and observe the way they live. (It
  gives immediate insight into some of those
  strange things your mate does.)

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We always do it this way

• Do not hold your own family up as a model to
  follow their habits, traditions, and rituals.
• My mothers cookies are a lot softer than
  yours. Opening Christmas presents on
  Christmas Eve is what my family did.
• Some of the most exciting rituals and patterns
  will be the new and creative ones you and your
  mate invent on your own.

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• Adjusting to
• DUAL CAREERS

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What Children Can Do

• Older children can help take responsibility at
  home to ease the work load and to become more
  independent and responsible members of the
  family.

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What Men Can Do

• Successful role sharing includes sharing the
  workload more equally in both the work place and
  at home. More than anything else, the husband's
  attitude toward the wife's working becomes the
  deciding factor in whether the roles are
  successfully shared.
• With so many women in the work force, men have
  accepted that they need to help more with
  housework, but they have been slower to accept
  the household-family role than women have been to
  accept the employment role.

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Spouse Sharing Roles Successfully

• Whether women work outside the home or not, they
  still do most of the housework, meal preparation,
  organize doctor appointments, etc.
• And the moms attitude and feelings of content
  toward her job determines the
• overall happiness of the family.

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Strategies that have helped families balance the
juggling act of dual careers

• Define the situation and accept that there will
  be stress involved.
• Establish priorities between the needs of the
  family and the needs of the career.
• Compartmentalize work and family roles. Have
  your mind on work while you are work and have
  your mind on your family when you are at home.
  Leave the work at work.
• Compromise careers in order to maintain necessary
  family quality.
• Reorganize the family schedule and delegate
  responsibilities.

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• Get Organized. Have a schedule and stick to it.
• Strengthen the marriage. A strong happy marriage
  relationship is the major source of strength and
  success in making a dual career family work.
• Buy time to relieve the workload at home. Time
  saving devices like microwaves or hired help like
  housecleaners and child care.
• Establish friendships with couples like yourself.
  Form a support system with other dual working
  couples who have similar pressures, limitations,
  concerns, and needs.
• Negotiate work arrangements that fit your family.

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History of Traditional families

• How did traditional get to be a tradition?
  Before the industrial revolution in the early
  part of this century, men and women worked side
  by side. It was not until work was moved to the
  factories that women's work place became the home
  and labor was rigidly divided by sex. The
  division became especially strong after World War
  II. But currently, the number of women in the
  work force has dramatically increased with more
  than half of all married women and mothers
  working outside the home. The biggest increase
  in women moving into the work force in the last
  few years has been women with preschoolers and
  infants.

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1. Economic Factors influencing women in the work
force

• Most women use their income on necessary goods
  and services for their families.
• Almost 20 of families are headed and supported
  by single-parent mothers.
• For many families where the husband is the major
  wage earner, the wife's earnings often raise a
  family above the poverty level.

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Economic Factors

• The economic reasons throughout the life cycle
• Young couple stage to save for buying a home
  and starting a family.
• Young children stage to help make house and car
  payments.
• Older children stage to support children in
  college.
• Children fully launched to save for retirement.

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2. Changing Gender Roles of women in the work
force

• Although men have traditionally found their
  identity through work outside the home while
  women found their identity through work inside
  the home, the pattern began to change in the
  1960s with the women's movement.
• Many women now seek to be involved in the
  occupational world as an important avenue for
  personal fulfillment as it has always been for
  men.

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3. Family Life Cycle Changes

• In early America, the difficulties of childbirth
  and the large number of children born to most
  women meant that few women lived to see all of
  their children fully grown.
• But today, women have longer lives, fewer
  children, and more time left over from raising
  children to work.
• For those women who choose to remain home while
  their children are young, there remains an
  average of 25 years for employment outside the
  home.

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Main problems encountered by two-income families

• COMPETING DEMANDS OF CAREER AND FAMILY LIFE.
• Many dual-career couples have not had family role
  models to help them know how to manage careers
  and families together, so their expectations may
  not be very realistic. There is less time to
  spend with children and often even less time
  with the spouse.

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Main problems encountered by two-income families

• WORKING WOMEN OFTEN SUFFER FROM HIGH BLOOD
  PRESSURE, HEADACHES, TENSION, AND DEPRESSION
  CAUSED BY STRESS.
• However, it is not the question of whether or
  not they work that determines the amount of
  stress, but whether they enjoy the work and what
  kind of support they get from their husbands.

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Other conflicts may include

• Work hours may be opposite each other, not
  allowing the couple to see each other very often.
• Shift work causes multiple problems with
  transportation and arranging for child care.
• If one person has a higher paying or more
  prestigious job, there may be jealousy from the
  other partner.
• One parent may feel ownership for specific roles.
  Dual-working couples may feel threatened in
  these areas.

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Sexual Adjustment in Marriage

• Marital Adjustments

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Importance of Sex in Marriage

• Sexual intimacy gives couples a level of
  closeness and loving intimacy they may not reach
  any other way.
• For the most part, the quality of a marriage is
  reflected in the quality of the sexual
  relationship. Although there is a strong
  relationship between the sexual side of a
  marriage and the overall happiness of the
  marriage, sex is not the most important thing in
  marriage. However, sexual frustration makes
  sympathetic understanding difficult.

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Variety of Needs

• One partner usually has a stronger sex drive than
  the other
• Desired frequency may be different for men than
  for women
• Social conditioning affects the sex drive
• Early in marriage, men may feel uncertainty,
  awkwardness, excessive sexual tension
• One partner may feel that sex is appropriate
  anytime once they are married, while the other
  partner may have a list of inappropriate times

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SEX IS COMMUNICATION

• Unexpressed resentment in any part of a marriage
  often shows up in the sexual relationship. The
  best solution is to express feelings to each
  other as quickly as problems arise. Do not let
  problems build walls between you and your partner

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SUCCESSFUL ADJUSTMENT

• Men and women are not the same in what they find
  pleasurable. Since no one can read minds, if one
  wants to be understood, it is his/her
  responsibility to communicate with his/her
  partner. Compromise and negotiation are usually
  needed.
• Sex is most rewarding when it is part of a
  caring, enduring relationship. Affection,
  respect, and trust are the most important parts
  of a good sexual relationship

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Some reasons newly married couples may find it
difficult to enjoy sex after marriage

• The female is a virgin and finds intercourse to
  be uncomfortable for a short period of time.
• The couple has different ideas on what romance
  is and the effect it has on their intimate
  relationships.
• The couple is uncomfortable talking about
  sexuality and assume that the other person is
  equipped with mind-reading abilities and knows
  what the other one likes or wants.

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. The transition from abstinence to activity may
be eased by

• 1. Seeing physicians and have complete
  physicals before marriage.
• 2. Discussing intimacy with your parents,
  religious leaders, or a counselor.
• 3. Know your religious beliefs concerning
  intimacy.
• 4. Talk openly to your spouse about feelings and
  expectations.

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Summary

• Your sexual relationship is just like other
  relationshipssometimes it will be good and
  sometimes it will be bad. The key to success is
  good communication and a desire to resolve
  problems. If you and your spouse are unable to
  resolve problems on your own, it may be
  appropriate to seek a good marriage counselor.
  Discussing private details of your marriage with
  parents, family, or friends can cause irreparable
  damage to your relationship with your spouse.

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Summary

• The key to a happy and healthy intimate
  relationship in marriage is open and honest
  communication that focuses on the good and
  assists the relationship to move forward into a
  more positive situation for both partners.

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Marriage Roles
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Equalitarian and Traditional

• EQUALITARIAN
• Being an equalitarian couple does not mean that
  the couple does everything together or at the
  same time. The equalitarian philosophy means
  that the division of labor is equal but is not
  necessarily traditional.

• TRADITIONAL
• For many years, roles in marriage were defined as
  masculine or feminine. That division of labor
  is what we will call traditional. In todays
  society this means that the division of labor is
  most often NOT equal.

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Couple O

• Susan and Mike had been married for nearly 45
  years. They were proud to have been married that
  long. They never really talked about who did
  what that was just understood. Susan did all the
  cooking and cleaning, unless they were in the
  canyon, and then Mike took over. He made a
  delicious stew and Dutch oven cooking had become
  his specialty. The children loved their dad's
  Dutch oven potatoes. The children had been mostly
  Susan's responsibility. Mike had not done much
  with babies except beam when he announced, "Wow,
  we have got us another son. Think we will name
  this one after my brother, Jason." It was not
  until Jason Jr. turned about six that Mike's
  fathering really began. Now Jason Jr. could play
  all those games that Mike had always dreamed of
  playing with his son. They would play catch and
  wrestle on the lawn. Mike took care of the cars
  and all the bills. In fact, Susan had never put
  gas in the car or paid one bill in all those
  years. Mike always bought her flowers on Mother's
  Day and Susan always made fresh apple pie on
  Father's Day.

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Couple 18

• Ryan and Monica have been married seven years and
  have three children. Jamie is five, Kevin is
  three, and Amy is one and a half years-old.
  Monica is an accountant and Ryan is an
  advertising agent. At the end of a long day there
  is no therapy like kids to take your mind off
  your work. Ryan and Monica decided before they
  got married that they would both work. They
  always knew they wanted children but they were
  not quite prepared for the changes three little
  ones brought into their lives. Monica had to
  reserve all of her sick leave to use when Amy was
  born in case her short maternity leave was not
  enough. This meant that Ryan was usually the one
  to stay home when Jamie or Kevin got sick.
  However, he really did not mindhe enjoyed his
  kids and spent lots of time with them. Ryan spent
  most evenings giving baths to the children and
  straightening the house. Every other night was
  his night to fix dinner and he often included
  Jamie in the planning and preparation to give
  Monica more time with the two little ones. Monica
  often joked about how good he was at doing the
  laundry or changing the baby's diaper. "I sure
  married a wonderful wife," she teased.

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Discussion of Case Studies

• How do you think these two couples would rank on
  the Jacobson Marital Roles Scale?

• Couple O Extremely Traditional
• Couple 18 Extremely Equalitarian

• Do you think these couples could have happy
  marriages?

• Do you see any advantages or disadvantages in
  these two marriages?

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Is the Division of Roles More Equal Today?

• At the University of California, Berkley, a study
  found that the women in senior class had
  clear-cut expectations for the future.
• 80 thought a career was very important
• 97 expected to be marry
• Most expected to interrupt their careers for a
  few years to have children
• What they did not seem to have thought out or
  discussed with boyfriends was how they would
  divide the work at home.

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What men think on this subject

• 13 male seniors expected to be the one who would
  miss an important meeting at work for a sick
  child.
• Only, 38 expected to share laundry work equally,
  while 38 expected to share cooking.
• Twice as many women senior expected
• the man they married to share responsibilities.

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Another study done by Berkeley studied 50 couples
in their late 20s and early 30s. There finds
included

• Husbands did 1/3 of the household chores, working
  wives did 2/3 of all the daily jobs.
• Men have more control over when they make their
  contributions. (example, women make dinner, men
  change the oil dinner needs to be made
  every night, where as the oil only
• needs to be changed every 6 months).

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Discussion Questions

• Do you think roles and responsibilities are
  divided equally in todays marriages?
• Do you think a wife should be able to work if she
  wants to?
• What might happen in a marriage between an
  extremely egalitarian female and an extremely
  traditional male?
• What happens to family roles when a traditional
  wife begins to work full-time?

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Discussion Questions

• What might happen in a marriage where the
  opposite is true?
• What marital roles do you see in the marriage of
  your family and friends?
• Do you think they see their marriage in the same
  way you do or do they sometimes have a distorted
  view?

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• Angela and Justin had been married for two years.
  They both worked full-time and owned their home.
  They had settled into a regular routine each
  night. Justin loved to cook and Angela was
  grateful because she was never really very good
  at it. Each night Justin would fix dinner while
  Angela started a batch of wash and then went
  outside to work in the yard. The out-of-doors was
  her haven. Pulling weeds, watering, edging and
  mowing the lawn, and picking fruit from their
  trees were things she really enjoyed. After
  supper Justin cleaned up the kitchen while Angela
  vacuumed and
• straightened the house. Then they both
• folded laundry while watching a
• favorite TV show.

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• -Is this marriage equalitarian or traditional?
• -How do you think this couple decided who would
  do the different jobs?
• -How do you feel about dividing roles in this
  manner rather than in the traditional
  masculine/feminine manner?
• -Is there anything wrong with dividing roles this
  way?
• -Do you think Justin and Angela had to compromise
  and do jobs they did not like?
• -Do you know young couples today who have a very
  traditional marriage role division?
• -Do you think egalitarian or traditional
  marriages are stronger?
• -Which do you think will last the longer?

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Roles in a Relationship

• What does your future mate feel about roles?
• Why is it important to know before marriage?

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The Good Wifes Guide
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History of Womens Roles

• 1700-1800
• Men Income, Farming,Craftsmen
• Support and defend family, Strong Independent
  Self Reliant
• Women Have and Care for children and husband
• Running a Household under supervision of husband
• ChildrenMale Farm and Provide, School and
  Careers
• Female Household chores. Minimal Education
• 1837 Higher ed Available to girls limited basis

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1800-1900

• MenNew Careers, Westward Movement, Breadwinners,
  Assertive, aggressive domineering
• Government
• Women Homemaker, More physical and emotional
  strength, courage, adventure. Work together to
  develop west. First time to acknowledge equal
  rights
• Some working women in factories, sewing etc.
• ChildrenLearn roles from parents, help with
  expansion

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1900-1930

• Men work outside the home in businesses and
  trades etc.
• Women vote. Slowly move into work force,
  Nursing, Teaching, Secretarial
• Children Learn Roles from parents

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Great Depression1930s

• More men did work at home, slowly because of
  unemployment
• WomenSurvival on limited income
• ChildrenLearn roles from Parents

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1940s

• WW II
• More Men in Military
• More Women in outside work, run the country, Many
  stayed in jobs after war
• Children Some more independent as mothers away
  at work.

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1960-1970-s

• 1960-s Feminist Movement
• 1963 Equal Pay act
• More women work outside of the house,
• Medicine and Politics, Allowed to join armed
  services.

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1980-Today

• 1980 ERA Not Passed
• More professional women
• Pre School, Child Care, Nanny, Job Sharing Etc
• Some more men House husbands
• Highest growth of working women is with young
  children